wiwiw

1. Start

This essay is a result, albeit indirect, of discussions I've had with many friends, male and female, over the years, on the subject of what I really want in a woman. For most of my life, of course, I haven't really known; I suspect most young people don't really know what they want in a partner. I've always thought that that's one of the most challenging and difficult questions a person can ever ask themselves – 'What, in all honesty, do I want?'

Perhaps this consideration marks my transition from 'innocence' or 'naïveté' to 'wisdom'. The fact that I can now make the following assertions may be a sign of having finally reached a certain level of maturity, after one divorce and various other relationships which have ended in greater or lesser degrees of failure – although the marriage ended in a better way than some of the other relationships which came both before and after it. And this realisation has come just in time; I don't have many years of potential attractiveness to women left, so if I'm going to avoid dying alone, I'd better start work. (Oh, and let me say right off that I am fully aware that I'm not George Clooney, or even Sean Connery. But you, for your part, are not Angelina Jolie or Gisele Bündchen, either. Trust me. :P )

I also know perfectly well that it's unreasonable to expect all, or even a majority, of the aspects listed below to be present in one individual. There are no ideals in this world, and human nature is such that even if we did find perfection on earth, we'd find some reason for dissatisfaction with it. But it's like the great philosopher Grace Jones once said; 'I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you'. That seems like the most realistic goal to strive for. Nevertheless, you have to have some higher goals to work towards; even if you don't reach them, the effort you make in trying to attain them can be an end in itself.

2. The mind 頭

I feel it's important to make a distinction between intelligence and intellect. I'd go so far as to say that the majority of people I know, irrespective of their education or class, are intelligent, in the sense of being able to process information from the world around them and take decisions on that basis. True 'stupidity', defined as a failure to do that – either because of stubbornness or mental/physical incapacity – is in my experience a rare thing. However, it must also be said that I've largely had the luck to meet intelligent people, and I haven't been cursed with many stupid bosses, family members, friends of friends, or other such people as tend to infest our daily lives.

One way in which intelligence can manifest itself is in pragmatism. This doesn't necessarily have to mean a hard-hearted, brutally cold dollars-and-cents attitude to living; indeed such a person would be very antipathetic for me. The kind of pragmatism I'm thinking of would, for example, after conceiving of a plan to travel to a far-off country for six months, start checking out living expenses and accommodation options, rather than simply setting off straight away without a second thought. There's nothing wrong with having a spontaneous thought or idea to do something; less admirable is a tendency to rush straight into actions without thinking them through (at least partially) and imagining what their consequences might be. Most people I know have that degree of intelligence, at least most of the time. (Although everyone goes crazy sometimes, of course; that's just the price we pay for being organic lifeforms. ;) )

But aside from this basic kind of intelligence, I need a person with a certain kind of intellectual life. I define this as a keen and curious interest in matters beyond the purely everyday and quotidian. This can manifest itself in a thousand ways – a keen interest in music (this especially; music is of central importance in my life), theatre, literature, politics, the visual arts, hairstyles, architecture, any or all of the above, and other things as well which I might not have thought of right now. The cultural, the aesthetic, the philosophical, the speculative, is a part of life which I simply can't do without. And also, no cultural experience is ever fully valid unless you can share it with someone else, even if their opinion of it is the total opposite of yours. Why do we go to the cinema with friends? So we can share our experiences and opinions of the film. It's a lot less fun on your own, and it's even more fun if the film provokes a lively discussion afterwards.

Something I couldn't really deal with in a partner is a very deep attachment to a formal religion. This might not seem like an intellectual matter, but it is; the wholesale acceptance of religious propositions and dogmas, as laid down in ancient texts (or in the interpretations of those texts by someone closer to your own cultural community) shows a certain readiness to accept things unquestioningly, an unwillingness to challenge received opinions, and a possible willingness to try and force those opinions upon others, regardless of their own spiritual inclinations or searches. An awareness that humanity is not the centre of the cosmos, that we are all interconnected with the biosystem of the Earth and by extension the rest of the universe, and that there are plenty of phenomena yet to be explained, is properly humble and justifiable. But a belief that a big sky man, who created all of infinity in exactly the form it has now, is going to torture you forever for not living according to a cultural skill-set developed centuries ago, is not.

Everyone writes 'sense of humour' on dating profiles, and that's certainly important too. I read somewhere that a person's intelligence can be correlated to their sense of humour, and that people who fail to find things funny are often lacking in conventional intelligence. (Although not always; witness the fact that autistics have great difficulty understanding humour, while being capable of other great mental feats.) What counts, though, is that a partner's sense of humour should be compatible with yours; if one of you finds something hilarious and the other reacts with a face similar to a month-old Presbyterian fish, then you won't have a good time together. More importantly, humour is one of the most important tools for overcoming adversity – whether with each other, or shared together in the face of external challenges. My humour is, among other things, very linguistically and culturally based; this is one reason why, despite my knowledge of other languages, I think my ideal partner would also have to know English to a reasonably high standard.

3. The heart 心

You can call this personality or temperament or character or whatever else comes to mind, but it has to take its place here, in the centre of this discussion. A woman who's a genius literary critic with the body of a supermodel is no kind of partner if she's an arsehole with a terminal sense of self-entitlement and a fondness for other people's money.

When I did one of those daft Facebook quizzes a few months ago on my most desired quality in a woman, I checked 'compassion'. This came as a surprise to many people who read it, who assumed I'd go for intelligence, or possibly a sense of humour. As mentioned above, both of these are very important to me; but in the end, compassion is the thing I seem to need most, and feel the keenest lack of in my daily life. I always think of the word's roots in Latin, which might roughly be translated as 'with-feeling' or 'together-feeling' (as reflected in German Mitgefühl and Polish współczucie). When I'm feeling something strongly, she should at least be able to understand that mood, if not share it completely. Obviously it's unreasonable to expect any other human being's moods and feelings to synchronise perfectly and exactly with one's own; nevertheless, there has to be some commonality of feeling between two people who want to live together. So, looking irritated when I'm happy or laughing, being unable to suppress giggles when I'm crying or depressed, staring at me blankly or acting bored when I'm trying to figure out something confusing or disturbing – these would be deal-breakers.

Another element of my ideal partner might best be described as 'conversation'. This can be interpreted in a literal sense, obviously; the flow of an intelligent, warm-hearted, good-humoured conversation, passing freely and easily from silly to serious, from high to low, from deep to shallow and back again, is one of the most pleasant experiences I know. And there is nothing worse than sitting around in silence with someone, struggling to think of things to say; it's even worse when you know from past experience that she does have subjects to talk about, but simply can't express herself. (The language issue is also relevant here.) It's a bit like having a good car which simply won't start, however many times you turn the ignition key. But conversation also refers to genuinely exchanging one's views and opinions; when two people just talk past each other, one saying 'I think A, B and C', and the other 'I think X, Y and Z', then they are not really communicating, and not really forming any kind of bond with each other. It would be like setting up two TV sets face to face, and ultimately just as pointless.

My ideal woman also needs to have a certain kind of courage. On one hand, the pragmatism and level-headedness of which I spoke earlier is important; on the other, however, that can't become fossilised into timidity, or even a fear of doing anything new or outside the borders of routine. That courage can be expressed in many ways; a willingness to confront a difficult truth (about herself, me, or other important people), talk about it, and deal with it openly; a readiness to 'roll the dice' and try new ways of life, if the old ones are obviously failing to bring about the desired results; and the bravery to accept a situation which can't be changed, rather than spend energy uselessly trying to change or avoid it, instead devoting that energy to devising a new approach to the problem. (Oh, and 'the wisdom to know the difference', while we're heading into teatowel/bumper-sticker territory. Just because something's a cliché, that doesn't mean it's not true. ;) )

4. The body 体

All together now, 'Yay!' This is the only bit anyone's really interested in – men because they like comparing another set of body fantasies with their own, women because they can criticise my shallowness while secretly comparing their own appearances and those of their colleagues/competitors with my criteria. I might have to disappoint you all, though. :P

The cliché is, of course, that the guy says, 'Oh no, physical beauty doesn't matter to me at all, I'm only interested in your inner beauty.' Naturally, such statements are profound bollocks of the first order. (If I was only interested in emotional and intellectual validation, I'd get myself a sympathetic tabby cat and train it to meow appreciatively at Douglas Adams and William Gibson references.) I very specifically want to live with a woman because of the physical and sexual element implied in that kind of relationship. I do not intend to live in celibacy for the rest of my life; I already tried that, it was called 'my marriage'. :D (And that wasn't so much her fault, anyway.)

Biology, of course, dictates certain basic truths. So obviously no-one who is over-fat or over-thin, over-old or over-young, is going to make the grade. Other than that, though, I don't seem to have any special triggers which invariably awaken irresistible lust in me. As far as pure sexual attraction, without any other considerations, goes – well, the tall, the small, the bony, the bosomy, the bouncy, the fair, the dark, the melanin-blessed, the melanin-deprived, the Mazovian, the Mexican, the Maharashtran, the fifteen-year-old (yes, I admit it; they can be fully woman-shaped at that age, and you all know it), the fifty-year-old, the freckled, the the flawless, the smooth, the scarred, the pierced, the smooth, the loud, the quiet, and all kinds in between have all floated my proverbial boat at one time or another.

But we can't deny the importance of what used to be called (before that damn silly TV show took the expression over) 'the X-factor', that incalculable and unpredictable extra element in a personality which makes the person come alive for you. Ya got it, or ya don't. And what works for me won't work for you, and vice versa. We all know people of our acquaintance who are perfectly pleasant-looking, who are symmetrical and proportional in every acceptable way, but who just don't do it for us – they don't have our corresponding X-factor. I have met a couple of pairs of female identical twins, seemingly indistinguishable in every way, and preferred one to the other because of this X-factor.

Attractiveness is an utterly unpredictable thing. I have met women who seem physically flawless, indeed several who have been professional models, and found them to be meh; I have met others with a crooked nose, one eye not quite straight, bamboo-tall, barrel-round, narrow of bosom, heavy of hip, bony of knee, wild of hair (not all of these things refer to the same girl, by the way :P), but who've driven me crazy with desire. No-one can ever know what will do it for another person. So ultimately there's no real point in thinking too deeply about such things. (If we are going to talk about any particular archetypes, though, I will admit to a lifelong love of tall, thin studenty girls with long, straight brunette hair and glasses. But small, blonde, womanly or mature persons with good eyesight should not feel discouraged at this point. As I still fail to resemble Brad Pitt [or even William Pitt], I am not in a position to lay down too many stringent conditions. Right? :D )

This is probably the time to admit that I need a certain degree of sexual experimentation. Of course, the standard, Church-approved missionary hump does have its place, especially early on. And one cannot eat haute cuisine or do the whole Japanese tea ceremony every night; sometimes one just wants a pizza and a beer. ;) But anyone who lives on only one kind of food will be unhealthy in the longer term. If a potential partner considers even the slightest variations on the basic theme to be unacceptable and perverted, she would ultimately be denying herself and me a whole potential world of pleasure, and most importantly, pair-bonding. That’s what sex is for, let’s remember. It's something which would need time, patience and a willingness to make mistakes; after a while, every couple finds their comfort range, the 'grammar' of love-making which they can use to express their feelings. But that has to be a whole language, and not just one word.

5. Other bits

A couple of other points on the map of my little fantasy-land; no smokers, I'm afraid. Together with the obvious reasons (smell, ashes, expense), my grandmother, to whom I was closest of all of my family members, died slowly, horribly and visibly over a period of months from lung cancer. And I simply wouldn't want that to happen to anyone I love or care for.

Secondly, no dog-lovers. (I'm a cat person, as regards pets.) The main reason for this is an easily explainable childhood trauma; on my grandparents' farm when I was about five, their large black dog decided I was a chew-toy, took my arm in its mouth, and tried to drag me off somewhere. It didn't even break the skin, but my mother and grandmother started yelling, the dog started barking, I started crying, and it was all generally noisy and unpleasant. Since that time, I have had a dislike of being near big dogs, especially in confined spaces; the 'friendly' ones like small ponies who put their paws on your shoulders are worst of all.

But I have an ideological objection to other dogs, too, especially the ones which fit in handbags or are owned by very old ladies, as well as the mutant-rat kinds and the ones with circus mirror-distorted faces and bodies. One of the things I find hardest to forgive humans for is what they've done to dogs – breeding them over decades to accentuate physical features which are deemed to be charming, or even simply amusing. This has left the poor unfortunate results of this genetic engineering with a multitude of health problems – breathing, vision, walking, all damaged by the human desire to create 'cute' animals. When God or the aliens finally come to judge humanity, the treatment of dogs might count against us as the real genocide; perhaps the willingness of the first domesticated canines to work with humans has a parallel with the American Indians who welcomed the first European settlers with food and assistance, only to be cruelly abused thereafter. So I'm afraid pretty much all dog-lovers are excluded.

A final note about children, a relevant subject for every woman, whether she wants them or not. I personally am not convinced I would be a good father, for reasons connected with my own past; I don't feel I would be able to create a new, reasonably functional human personality when my own is so flawed. You could call that an act of cowardice, but I'd disagree; I have no problem with taking risks with my own life, but I wouldn't want to risk someone else's, especially when they had no choice in the matter. Nevertheless, perhaps because I'm getting older, I tend to think that the right woman might change my mind; after all, raising a child isn't supposed to be a job for one person, and perhaps I can find someone who'll help compensate for my flaws (and for whose own flaws I can compensate). As for marriage, I've tried that; my main problem with it is how it changes the rest of the world's view of you. I don't rule it out forever. But I've learned that when people really want to be together, no piece of paper can stop their feelings; and when people really want to separate, no piece of paper can make them change their feelings.

6. End

Feelings. Ah yes, them. After about 3200 of these useless words, it all comes down to human feelings – those things I've always tried to avoid, which still attack me when I'm least expecting them, and which I can only handle with the help of someone else. What I want, in the end, is what I see in the streets around me; the young students holding each other tight at the bus stop; the married couple who know each other's jokes backwards, but treasure them like you treasure your favourite pair of warm old socks; the old couple who walk arm in arm to church on a Sunday morning, as they always did.

That's what I want. Is that unreasonable? ;)

(Any applications for the position of Official Girlfriend may be submitted to the usual addresses. :D )